December 27th

I know I'm stating the obvious, but last Friday was December 27th. It was a very busy day for me.  I spent some time with my mom, had lunch with an old high school friend, and got to watch a former student marry the love of her life.  The day had no significance to me until I was at the wedding.  It's events like that, along with the end of the year approaching, which makes us reflect on our life.  I began thinking about the year when the date dawned on me.  December 27th, 2012 was a horrible day for me.  My father had his first chemo treatment and it was during the procedure the doctors discovered what we were truly facing.  It wasn't a single tumor we were fighting against, but multiple, tiny tumors.  As a family, we were not ready to hear the news that we were told.  Up until that moment, everyone was extremely optimistic.  It was so hard for me to hold it together; to be the rock for everyone else.  I think I was barely grasping at any hope that was left to hold on to.  So, 2013 began with feelings of sadness and heartache...and a desperation for hope.  I can't exactly tell you when all of that began to change.  I think each one of us found a way to accept the situation.  The year progressed and I came to a point where I had to make some choices; moving, exercising, etc.  All of the choices I've mentioned in previous posts have led to how I felt December 27th, 2013. But here I was at this wedding and I felt amazingly happy.  The wedding was unlike an other I've attended.  I mean, every wedding is really nice and you can see how much everyone loves each other, but this wedding was different.  When you walked into the church, you could feel the love and support from everyone for everyone.  It was unusual, but very uplifting.  The ceremony was light-hearted and emotional, and the whole time I kept thinking "This is so Christy!"  She was a stunning bride!  To think she was once my art club president painting murals around campus with me.  She had already amazed me when she was a student, but I am in awe of the woman she has become.  I was honored she invited me to share this day with her.  I can't wait to see where things take her next.  

That whole day really got to me.  I began realizing the huge difference from last year and this year.  And I began to appreciate even more the life I have made for myself, along with all of the people who are in it.

As an artist, I did a show with RawArtists and began showing my work at the Santa Ana art walk with Orange County Creatives. I never know where my art is going to take me, but I've been pleasantly surprised.  To think this all began a few years ago because I started an etsy account just to get rid of the paintings stacking up in the corner of my room.  I didn't have a real intention of showing my work.  It kind of just happened.  Then doing one night showcases, which led to showing at the art walk.  Now, I am beginning 2014 showing my work at the Orange County Creatives Gallery in Laguna Beach!  I can't wait to see where this will lead.  

I know everyone is reflecting and coming up with resolutions for the new year, but I'm truly grateful.  I'm glad 2013 is ending on a very positive and light-hearted note. It is a nice change of pace for me.   As for resolutions,  I refuse to come up with "resolutions."  I think that term makes things doomed to automatically fail.  I do have goals for myself, but these have been on going goals.  I am 30 pounds from my goal weight.  I am positive that with my trainer Alex at the Transformation Center, and his team I'll definitely be able to get there. I've already lost 20 pounds with his help, so the next 30 should be do-able. I'd like to do this by my birthday, but I don't want the pressure of that.  I feel like I'll set myself up for failure.  But I know I'll get there.  I'm pretty determined and Alex has been really good at keeping me challenged during the workouts.  He never lets me get away with being lazy.  Another goal is to self publish my children's book.  The plan is to do my research on various self publishing companies and see what is going to work best for me, but to fix up and begin illustrating my pages at the same time.  This way when I'm ready I have everything done and ready to go.  And my last goal is to learn how to let go the anger, resentment and hurt feelings I have towards my half siblings.  It's not a good feeling.  I'm not one to react this way.  It is just more apparent now because of my dad's health.  And I can't deal with it directly as I would like to because it would upset my dad a lot.  His health and positive state of mind are extremely important to me, so I'm going to find an alternative way to deal with it.  Maybe this will lead to a new art series???  I mean, artists do make their best work when they are heartbroken, hurt, or depressed, right?  It takes some kind of tragedy for an artist to grow.  The Mizzles came to being around a tough time in life and look at where that has taken me. 

We'll just have to wait and see.  2013 goodbye!  Thank you for challenging me and teaching me all I needed to learn this year.  2014, let's see what you have in store for me.  I think I'm ready for it!

2013 Making my own light

When the shootings began happening this holiday season, it broke my heart there were so many innocent people being hurt.  People on Facebook were posting quotes about light in the darkness.  Here were a few that stuck with me:

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” 

Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light."

Aristotle Onassis

"Give light and people will find the way."

Ella Baker

"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."

Leonard Cohen

They made me think.  It is so true that no matter how dark the situation is, there is always a ray of light.  There is always a bit of hope for us to find and hold onto.  It is when that light is found the darkness doesn't seem to be quite as dark as it originally was.  I began creating a Mizzle painting to illustrate it, but it was put on hold due to other projects.  I figured I could paint and sew while spending the evening with my family.  I wasn't sure if I would actually have time to work on anything, but I took it with me anyways. My night consisted of sitting on the couch next to my little sister surfing the web, laughing with my mom and dad, and answering my dad's cell phone, which seemed to go off all night with calls from family members upset or concerned about his current situation, and playing with all 5 of their cats.  Soon I was sitting on the floor painting while my mom worked on her knitting. It seems appropriate that this ended up being my final painting for 2012.  My dad seemed to enjoy watching me work on it and watching its progress.  Every once in a while my mom would ask me a question about the painting because it wasn't making too much sense.  I kept laughing and telling her "Just wait and trust me.  It will make sense soon. (Pause, a sigh, and a confused look on my face) I hope."  She just laughed.  At some point, I was a little afraid myself that I had ruined it.

This past week seemed to be the darkest.  To be honest, I haven't quite found the light, but I have decided I would create it. I ended 2012 laughing with my family and I woke up calm, centered, and hopeful for what 2013 may bring my way.

New Year's Eve 2012

Instead of sleeping in, as I normally would when I'm emotionally exhausted, I woke up early and attended my 5am Fit Body Boot Camp class.  It was funny because the only people there were our fitness instructor, myself, and one other person.  It felt good to start today this way.  Afterwards, we stretched and discussed how I despise the month of January and February because of people's New Year resolutions to exercise.  They crowd my fitness and yoga classes making it too close for comfort.  Don't get me wrong.  I applaud those who make the choice to add fitness to their daily life.  I just don't like it when they encroach on my fitness routine.  :) Selfish...I know.

After the workout, I returned home to begin my day with my healthy breakfast of oatmeal and a hot cup of yummy coffee.  I relaxed, hoping that I would be tired enough to take a nap before taking on my day of pampering, making art, and preparing for a nice evening with my family.  In the past, I used to spend New Year's Eve making a final piece of art for the year.  I haven't done that in a while.  Maybe I will get that chance today.  I did finish creating 3 new Mizzles.

This year I'm staying home...well, my second home. I thought with the news we received earlier in the week about my dad that it would be best to spend tonight with family.  I don't believe in making New Year's resolutions.  They are created with the intentions of changing one's self.  Although, to change is well intended, but we are creatures of habit and I feel it is best to spend the time to acknowledge who we truly are and create realistic goals.  I haven't really come up with goals for myself, but I will soon.  At the moment, I am hoping 2013 brings me new worthwhile friendships, stronger bonds with current true friends, an unbelievable amount of laughter, tons of new happy family memories, lots of art, maybe love, and a healthy, tumor-free dad.

To all of my Mizzle Adventures followers, fans, and greatest supporters, have a safe and fun New Year's Eve!  I wish all of you a happy, healthy, successful, and fulfilling 2013! 

Be Stronger

I have been meaning to update this blog on a more regular basis.  I have been considering returning to my daily posts and daily drawings and see how long I can keep it going this year. But it has been very difficult to find things to be positive about right now.  I know life could always be worse and that our nature is to view the grass is greener on the other side. I find this scenario strange.  I've never had difficulty seeing others in difficult heartbreaking situations. I feel for them and can maintain an objective point of view where their hardships never took a toll on my own emotions. But to see my parents so vulnerable has taken such a toll on me.  I experienced this a little 2-3 years ago, when both parents lost their moms. I saw them in a completely different way.  I have always known my parents to be strong and unbreakable.  Losing their parents revealed the cracks.  Right now, those cracks are huge holes. They are both unbelievably strong, but now I see the fear in their eyes and hear the sad tone in their voices.  It is hard to see and hear the truth they worked so hard to keep from us.  I think I'm doing as well as I can be in this exhausting situation, but I'm tired of people's words of comfort "stay strong," or "be the strong Nadia I've always known you to be." What they don't understand is that I'm always the strong one.  I'm always the one people rely on.  I'm tired of "being strong."  For once, I would love for it to be okay for me to be fragile. This is where my art comes in.  My art, along with my cats, seem to understand my need for vulnerability. It is in my art I'm allowed to be whoever and however I want to be.  Art does not have an opinion.  It listens and it heals.
 
I began by creating a new drawing for my dad. For the past year, I have been creating charcoal drawings of old Native American photos. This is the 3rd of an on-going series.

I also made a painting for my best friend.  I wasn't sure what to create for her, so I just let the painting take control.  It turned out well and she loved it!  I found it interesting the words she used to describe it.  She said it made her feel hopeful, calm, and uplifted.  I also found it interesting her view of the fairy v. an angel.  She said an angel made her think of death, but a fairy made her feel hopeful. I kind of agree because fairies hold a child-like innocence.  I can't think of an instance where fairies are feared.  Angels on the other hand can be thought of as miracles, but can also be associated with death. 

I enjoyed the freedom I felt in creating the painting for my best friend that I decided to start another one.  Here is another, but it is still in progress.

I have this desire to work on specific projects, but I just can't seem to get myself to work on them.  I find myself looking for distractions or other projects to fulfill my need to create, but not the ones I should be working on.  I have just finished creating 3 new Mizzles and have a few more in progress.