I have been meaning to update this blog on a more regular basis. I have been considering returning to my daily posts and daily drawings and see how long I can keep it going this year. But it has been very difficult to find things to be positive about right now. I know life could always be worse and that our nature is to view the grass is greener on the other side. I find this scenario strange. I've never had difficulty seeing others in difficult heartbreaking situations. I feel for them and can maintain an objective point of view where their hardships never took a toll on my own emotions. But to see my parents so vulnerable has taken such a toll on me. I experienced this a little 2-3 years ago, when both parents lost their moms. I saw them in a completely different way. I have always known my parents to be strong and unbreakable. Losing their parents revealed the cracks. Right now, those cracks are huge holes. They are both unbelievably strong, but now I see the fear in their eyes and hear the sad tone in their voices. It is hard to see and hear the truth they worked so hard to keep from us. I think I'm doing as well as I can be in this exhausting situation, but I'm tired of people's words of comfort "stay strong," or "be the strong Nadia I've always known you to be." What they don't understand is that I'm always the strong one. I'm always the one people rely on. I'm tired of "being strong." For once, I would love for it to be okay for me to be fragile. This is where my art comes in. My art, along with my cats, seem to understand my need for vulnerability. It is in my art I'm allowed to be whoever and however I want to be. Art does not have an opinion. It listens and it heals.
I began by creating a new drawing for my dad. For the past year, I have been creating charcoal drawings of old Native American photos. This is the 3rd of an on-going series.
I also made a painting for my best friend. I wasn't sure what to create for her, so I just let the painting take control. It turned out well and she loved it! I found it interesting the words she used to describe it. She said it made her feel hopeful, calm, and uplifted. I also found it interesting her view of the fairy v. an angel. She said an angel made her think of death, but a fairy made her feel hopeful. I kind of agree because fairies hold a child-like innocence. I can't think of an instance where fairies are feared. Angels on the other hand can be thought of as miracles, but can also be associated with death.
I have this desire to work on specific projects, but I just can't seem to get myself to work on them. I find myself looking for distractions or other projects to fulfill my need to create, but not the ones I should be working on. I have just finished creating 3 new Mizzles and have a few more in progress.